comedy

Cans of Soda

I always have been a small town, upper middle class boy who lived obedienty most of the time in my life. Though I’m a mild yet aggressive young adult now. I am raised with good moral values throughout my childhood. So, I don’t understand why people are so much fretful and disobedient with all their bad habits. Like now I am talking about my summers vacations. I was in National Capital Reserve (NCR) for two weeks, staying at my cousin’s place Noida Sector 61. I applied for summer vocational courses in New Delhi to full-fill my passion for cooking and baking.

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Initially I joined International Institute of Culinary Arts. It is located in Hauz Khas Village. So, for that I travel from Noida City Centre Metro Station, that was 4km away from Sector 61. It all started from the behavior of Autowale bhaiya. On the first day I took an auto, and the weird thing about Noida autorickshaw is that they don’t run on metre, demands independently. He asked me 50 bucks for that and after a cool bargaining I asked for 40 and  he let me in. After reaching to noida city centre I gave him 50 rupees note and expect for the 10 rupees change. Just for that he started to abuse and humiliate me badly in the morning and how could I remain silent I also defended myself and somehow got my 10 rupees back. I mean how can be he behave so mean about it, if he agreed for 40 before I get in. No one behaves like that in other small towns where I lived. Later I got to know that fare of 40 rupees was proper, for the next these days because they calculate 10 bucks per kilometre.

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Next was entering to metro station. Before telling you fulls story all I want to tell you that I never been traveled in metro railway before as most of the time I come New Delhi for 2-3 days and usually travel in car with my chauffeur. So the first thing I noticed is people. People, people, people.. everywhere people. Everyone in rush I never seen that much rush in my life. When people were using a lift to go upper floor of metro train, they must have to make certainty, a weight limit. It was clearly written that this lift is preference for seniors citizen and handicapped. When I got enter some more young adults like me entered after me and an old man remain left outside. Lift started to show weight limit exceeded and none of a single brat moved from his place like everyone is prince of their own kingdom. So I moved on, let that poor old man in and choose old fashioned stairs to move up.

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I entered into the metro station. I was quite thirsty so I purchased a can of soda. Later to catch up my blue line train. I moved to ticket window and got a card with a balance of 80 by paying 100 (20 was security deposit). I was observing the crowd outside station as I said but never expected that mother of crowd in the waiting of blue line metro train. There were separate cabins for women as per women empowerment program by government and it was normally crowded and having comfortable sitting arrangement for them. Moving ahead to general cabins. All the heavy crazy crowd entered there just like when I was a child, I use to play musical chairs on friends’ birthday parties. All the working class men sit in their seats and weak seniors and other ladies remained standing like me, a newbie. Nobody cares about other. They all  just plug their earphones in smartphones and play some stupid arcade video game like Candy Crush, FarmVille, Poker and many more. They’re all so mean and selfish and started to look me like these cans of soda, they all identical about their attitude and behavior. Like they never read about the lessons of morality and the values of karma.

I also observed so many of these youngsters who sit on their seats at the time when train is almost empty and do not stand up  when they see any women or seniors who entered in next stations, looking for a seat. The most awkward thing was when they sit on reserved seats for women and senior citizens. Like how can they see them standing in the train. They’re all more like our family members. I am sure if they are their real aunts or uncles. They definitely stand and offer seat but just because they’re strangers, they’re so much ignorant.

When I use to return in the evening. The crowd gets even more, situation gets worse or say worst. Everyone just want to return in their home. So damn tired, smelly, and miserable. I never seen women stuck in such a way. Keep standing in between dense crowd of metro train. The crowd where you don’t have any space to put your feet a foot more. I have so much pity for them. It was more like an apocalyptic situation whoever enters in the train will survive and rest all going to die. In such condition pickpocketers and molesters always take advantage. Once in news I read 90% of pickpocketers and thieve are women travelling in metro trains. They just enter with a child acts like a normal Indian lady who is just going to some place. Eve teasers, molesters, harassers can be easily seen in these trains. They keep on starring at some innocent lady very viciously like they never ever seen any woman in life or they will just eat them, very disgusting scenario. Thanks to the government for these women reserved cabins, but sometimes some men just get enter from next general cabin by saying he is with her.

I mused, looked at the eyes of them and concluded why they are so mean to others.

When a child is born, he is an angel
More the life he lives more complicated he becomes
He is still the same boy who learnt to help others in school
He is so damn much tired of living same monotonous life
Like following to same path, each and every day on his long route
He finds some short cut to reach faster and for this
To get rid of the chains he is wrapped him in
And yes he has hunger of love that made him so

I personally believe good things happen to you if you do good things to other. This create good karma, a inner happiness, no guilt, no regret and love. There are three major things that can ruin even a good person: Greed, Selfishness and Overindulgence. All the evil things brought up from these three qualities, if a person can keep control on these three he can sustain his great personality. Lies, stealing, breaking hearts, revenge, humiliation, assaults, addiction and many more are obtained by these evils.

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There were four kinda flavor of cans (people) I noticed in these two weeks. 🙂

  • First are normal daily working class people who pick up and go to their office or place of work. They are veteran seat takers. Don’t much talk to others. Keeps a brief case/laptop bag and dark mustache. They have special power of sleeping when they take seats and get up exactly when their station comes. More like Thumbs Up.
  • Second are young adults who travel to reach school and college with flashy T-shirts and Jeans. They remain lost in the world of music, love or both. They don’t mind to become John Lennon & Yoko Ono and start making love in public. Usually seen with their girlfriend/boyfriend and smirk in their faces. 😉 They are Sprite.
  • Third are newbies are like who are new in metro and don’t have much idea about the stations and route. (Thanks to my smartphone metro station app which helped me a lot in such situations) They usually targets the veteran seat takers so that can release frustration of not getting their seat. More like Cuba drink.
  • Forth are typical dilli/punjabi women, the jibber jabbing. Holy mother of GuruNanakji! you can not see them  to stop for couple of seconds. They usually travels with others to talk with. They will talk about anything and LOUD so that you can listen every detail of their sad life. They are more like Fanta.

 

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My Krrish 3 Experience in a Gaonwala Cinema Hall

Hello fellas! This is an article about the bollywood film Krrish 3 that I watched last week with my cousin whom I called like Roman do with Niko Bellic in Grand Theft Auto IV. He accepted and we made a plan to watch it in a truly authentic Indian Cinema Hall of a small town. As this film Krrish 3 belongs to be watched on a place like that. Desi sci-fi superhero bollywood film in a desi cinema hall. The name of the theater was “Jwala Talkies” means Fire. Just after listening the name I got scared of seeing fire in between the show. But after lots of consultation to ticketwala I was believed to feel secure.

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This is the image of the exterior of the cinema hall that I took from my luxurious sedan as we were the second owner of a car who came to Jwala talkies to watch the film. They put the sign of Dolby Digital outside as I experienced mono sound may be because audience were making so much of enthusiastic noise most of the time. As you can see most of the people came in their black bicycles that are quite ergonomically designed and have feature of upgraded lugged roadster frame work and a white bag made of soft and ripped off cotton cloth that is very admirable due to it fashionable environment friendly nature. Like this was the true desi swag muffin in the house.

So first we enter in the hall the ambiance was filled with villagers who came to town from their villages wearing new clothes and oil combed hair. Wearing brand new shoes of funky colours, shining their big screen micromax and other Chinese phones. There was no serious sitting arrangement, everyone is free to wherever they want on the first come first basis. That is why crowd was making noise as the needle moves to 12. There were only two types of ticket. Deluxe where people sit in ground floor in just 40 rupees including all taxes and balcony in the upper floor by paying 20 bucks more. Seats were fixed, non-adjustable, hall smells like mixture of piss, booze and semen. But the people  looking really fresh and enthusiastic for the film as it is the third part of Krrish trilogy started by the film Koi.. Mil Gaya (2003) and Krrish (2006). The film was highly anticipated after the gap of 7 years.

Spoiler Alert: I would advise to read after watching!

As we remember in last part the story revolves around how Krrish (Hrithik Roshan) fight that crazy ass scientist and  meet his father in the end. Initially in the movie Krrish 3 scientist  Rohit Mehra is working on a device like that can bring dead organisms to alive. Getting life in dead bodies with the help of sunlight reflections.  Remember he use to be a scientist in the field of Physics where he invent Time Machine in previous part Krrish (2006). Now he is doing in the field of life science and Biotechnology. Wow! such a great scientist.. like where you see such a multi-talented person in the field of science. All thanks to his Bornvita eating habit. He lives with his macho son Krishna with muscular abs, chest and biceps made by steroids  and hottie daut-in-law Priya who calls Papa Papa all the time to Rohit for no reason. Maybe because Priyanka’s real father expired recently.

Krishna (Krrish) use to be work as securitywala in SIS, gets fired after a single scene. Yes, a superhero who is super intelligent, has ability to pass IIT, PMT, CA, IAS, IPS like exams like a boss but no! as his Dadi (Rekha) had not provided formal education to him for security reasons. Yea! blame Indian Education System here. A man who can pass any competitive exams has no right to appear just because his not graduated formal high-school. India needs an answer!. Later he worked for his wife in which he demanded 1-2cr kisses in salary. *May God Allah aur Bhagwan bless her big fat lips*. Krrish saves life mostly of kids and tell “Hum sabsme Krrish hai”. That reminded me of Dark Knight Rises’ “Anyone can be Batman..” dialog.

Priya (no surname), now Priya Mehra is a journalist working in Aaj Tak. And only the bread and Bornvita bringer in the house as his husband was jobless most of the time and her Papa remains busy in research. Still she is a great wife and doesn’t act bitchy like Preity Zinta in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna maybe because his macho husband is good in bed. In previous part she use to work in Star News office of Singapore. She probably got move Aaj Tak as they offered her more package or she got fired from there as she use to make-up all the time or any other unknown reason. Whatsoever!

On the other hand there is a story of a mutant Magneto… Errr Kaal *Iss Kaal Kaal Mai Hum Tum Kare Dhamaal* without a surname as he is in search of his biological father. This is Vivek Oberoi’s debut negative role. *wooowww! Everyone is so excited for this after his highly criticized artistic work in his last film Grand Masti with r silent. He was in an unknown malady where his only two parts of the body was in working condition. First his head and second is his two digits (fingers)..  index and middle to be exect. *You know what I mean*. He lives in a laboratory far away in a place like a typical super-villain with principles. He is super intelligent, blah.. blah.. has created mutants which are half-human-half-animals called “maanwars”. They can sponsor Manyavar stores and get good money but they didn’t, I’ve so much respect for that.

Kangana Runout (Ranaut) as Kaya is one such mutant creation of Kaal by crossing human DNA with a chameleon. She always lookout for a cure for his malady with his other experiments. Her superpower is that she is a shapeshifter just like Terminator T1000. In introduction she said something like “Alag, anokhi, adbud hoon main, kyunki mera koi ateet nahin sirf” to a man in a seductive way. So, basically she is playing a first year Indian college girl and wants to convince that she has no past, no affairs in her life and desperately needs a man. 😛

There is an other experiment which Kaal cross breed human DNA with a frog, probably called Frog-man who uses his big long tongue to kill others, in other words he is playing Emran Hashmi. Frog-man has some serious issues that he can’t see others eating ice-cream. Just because of that Krrish comes and beat the shit out of him. The graphics while fighting with Krrish reminds me of good old  days of Boomber chewing gum ad.

Later the story moves around here. Kaal spreads some kinda unique virus like in the movie The Amazing Spiderman. The hero protects the spreading of virus in Mumbai city and saves the life of millions.*Yawn*. There comes the intermission.

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This is the actual image of the scenario in the interval. From Cold-Drinkwala to Papadwala come there and start to sell their items before getting drinks and popcorn in PVR was cool. As you can see above Papadwala selling his papads for just 5, a dude relaxing in his funky new fake branded shoes. FYI Padpadwala gives papad and take money with his same hand. Immunity of people against harmful germs and diseases gets stronger by eating those papads. I tried and still suffering from lose motions. Here is the sound of cold-drinkwala making a special sound to ask for drinks just like frogs croak to get laid. https://soundcloud.com/uceejay/cold-drinkwala . So all and all everyone was happy crunching and drinking like they are having their picnic out there. There was poor kid of about 10 was eating a piece of pastry like he has never eaten before. It was the happiest moment of his life. :’)

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Enough melodrama, back to the movie. So the film moves where Priya get injured in some fight and get kidnapped by Kaal so that he can take DNA of Krrish from her fetus and make some other maanwar. He send Kaya for the replacement for Priya in her avatar and make them that her baby dies like Dabangg 2. Irony is that they can’t find she aint real, may be because Priya is treated like an object in her family. There are so many sarcastic dialogues in the film that not everyone can understand.

Later that *chudel* Kaya fall in love with man with juicy hard abs Krrish maybe she got bored with Kaal unparalysed two fingers and want a better man. But later on after coitus experience, Krrish understands that she is not her wife Priya but some other woman maybe because Priya loves anal. Rohit went back to Singapore and get to understand that he has a biological son which he was not aware of.. *Hufff Mahnn..!!* and that son was Kaal *Surprise Motherfucker!* He kidnap him to find cure of his unknown disease. And *Bang!* Krrish enters beat thugs with the help of Kaya. Kaya get killed by Kaal. Later he moves to Kaal but he get late and Kaal get cured and become some Crap-Man, crap because his low budget villain costume is made of cheaply painted aluminum coloured shit. He achieves his full power and kill the sexyboy Krrish, Yes there are three times where Hrithik Roshan dies. After seeing his corpse of Krrish, his dad Rohit scarifies his life by using is unprocessed life giving Sun machine with his magic pen that has been sponsored by Flair pens. *Second Time*

The Krrish flew away to Mumbai city where Kaal is preaching all to worship as he is the new God, Krrish is dead now. Priya says “Krrish ek soch hai, jisko koi bhi Kaal khatam kar sakta.. blah.. blah.. I was like Krrish ek chori wali, gandi aur ghatia sonch hai. *Bang!* Krrish comes and starts to beat him like usual. Many Mumbai buildings get thrashed. Moves to Tata Motors service center where Krrish get stabbed by a metal cylindrical pipe in his abdomen *Third Time*. As Kaal can’t die like that Krrish uses his father’s magic pen, somehow get reflection from the buildings of Mumbai and vanish Kaal.
Later on Priya delivers a baby boy who get named after his late grandfather Rohit. So, basically in every Krrish series there would a Rohit Mehra. And main job of actresses is to give baby for sequels. Baby showed his signs to have super powers of Monkey-man more whatever. I will not be surprised if he has Kaal’s trait. People for 3 to 6 show already started to get enter in the hall and started to fight for pre-occupying their seats. After that I went to local market and bought wrist band by Krrish and this water bottle for gym so that I can get those abs one day. AmenIMG_20131129_213951

Thanks! for reading my bokwaas article.. Love you guys!

*THE END*

Sh1t That Happens in Typical Indian Weddings

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Hello! Bhaiyo aur meri Saheliyo! Sorry for this post that I am going to write.. wait a second… I am actually writing. Err Again. Hello! Bhaiyo aur Saheliyo! Sorry for such a long time to write a new post. Sach Sach Batao Kiss Kiss ne mujhe miss kiya? Ummm Hmmm Aaan Haan!! 😉

Advertisement: Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream. Keel Muhaso ke jade se hataye, twacha ke gunn isme samaye. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream.!!Vicco-Turmeric-900x900This article is all about what sh1t we usually see in our big fat Indian weddings. Yes Shaadi, that way in which parents of the bride and grooms wants to get away from their children and finally let their life live in their way independently. Band baja-wala, Nagede-wala, phool-wala, singers, DJs, Indian-wear fashion Industry, catering-wala, nayi (barber), pundito ki roti ka aadhar. Ression ho ya Inflation shaadi mubarak zindabaad! Indian wedding are not about the bonding of two straight people. It is about the bonding of two families where couples have to attach with every other family member including that buddhi dadi who speaks gibberish and on liquid diet. For couple’s family. The first thing they think about wedding is the organization of the ceremony. In working middle class parents have to arrange a separate fixed deposit bank account so that they can easily pay all the spendings without installments and all that financial shit. Because even if the family can not afford the spendings of their normal day to day.

This is what google search result comes out when you type Indian Wedding.

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They all do so much just for the pseudo show off. Inflation might have burned a hole in mango people’s pocket but the Indian wedding is as big and fat as ever. For all other family members and relatives. It is all about heavy shopping, food and floor breaking dance. So first I tell you all about this heavy shopping specially of outfits and accessories. IMG_20130414_195302-1 Shopping, shopping and more Goddamn shopping. Specially with these women. Sorry girls! I am not some kind of jerk or who hate all this culture and tradition but yes this shit all happen when a typical Indian lady do prepare after listening about someone is getting married. 😀 Lagun ke liya yeh dress. Shagun ke liye woh wali saree. Mehndi ke liya woh wala kurta. Sangeet mai chiffon wali saree. Jaymala wali night woh naya designer lehnga. Shoes, sandals, watches, bangles, perfumes, and lot of more expensive stuffs that I am familiar with. So overall it becomes hours and time and money and never ending satisfaction. Because no matter how much you spend, how gorgeous you look, the next lady would definitely appearing better. 😛

After writing this I’ve very less chances of getting laid this week) For men it is the most the moment of chaos and usually takes very less time in comparison to women. Most of the people use to wear suit and tie, kurta pajama or sherwani. For this all they need either go to retail outlets and simply purchase as per their size. But if the person is very fussy about the what he wears or of abnormal size. He has to give to tailor master and have to wait for weeks to get. Not the all like women but most the bachelors and some freaks. Most prefer to wear kurta pajamas and try to look like Shahrukh of K3G even when they have a face of Saif  in Roadside Romeo. 😀 IMG_20130414_200410-002 Advertisement: Bajradanti bajradanti Vicco bajradanti..!! Vicco powder vicco paste..!! ♫ Aayurvedic Jadebootiyo se bana sampoorn swadesi. Vicco powder vicco paste. Vicco!! Bajradanti!! 😀 vicco_vajradanti_medium-500x500 After meaningless shopping of dressings. Here comes the arrival of the both parties. Ladkiwale “The bride’s side” and Ladkewale “The groom’s side”. Traditionally Ladkiwale arrange the arrangements for all the ceremonies and functions. Now here it comes the main event where everyone is gets ready with all glittering and sleekly face. Double facial, heavy makeups, loads of precious jewelry to show off. Normal people do wass up? and some people started to do up wass! 😉 Yes, the fast of not eating so that they can enjoy different different varieties of culinary at the same evening. Usually in Indian wedding locally invited people mostly are not interested to know about the bride and groom, what they do, where they are from, how much money they spend on everything else. They all eat four times of their regular appetite and then say aaj toh *kuchh zyada ho gya*. (Clapping).

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Different people, different way to enjoy the meal. Non-vegan mostly attack on the chicken dishes and eat like they are eating after years or will not able to eat after that. Many of you guys familiar with tradition Punjabi way of eating where the person take a regular plate, fill up with a pound of rice or pulao. The classical way is to keep it in the shape of some conical mountain. No matter what they like, know about the dish. All the gravies on the top, middle with dried dishes, the sides are filled with naan, puri or any other kinda bread. They try to fill serve everything in their plate/s.

So that next time whenever they meet to someone, they can not say I didn’t tried that, I missed that or make fun of someone who didn’t tasted. 😛 After food here comes the time to dance. The part of the time when every creature wants to express that they have guts to dance like MJ, Usher, Shakira, Beyonce. In the end of the day, they have to deal with Govinda, Sri Devi, Anil Kapoor swag. In weddings no matter a person ever dance in rest of other moments but he or she have to dance like a freak. From a 3 year old who just stated to walk properly an uncle with all grey hair. Just dance like they won some big battle and it’s time to celebrate until they collapse. In typical Punjabi weddings or say a free booze party where usually men drink like they will never ever gonna get a glass of liquor to drink in rest of their life. After drinking glasses all they go crazy and dance in, what say.. Just daans!. -_-

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Usually the dance of the family members of the groom side (Ladkewale) starts from the classical ceremony called “Ghudsavari” where groom riding a mare comes with his side and with the dancing shoes on the public road. In arrangements a group of so called band comes with the party. All the Nagadawala beats their Nagada (big Indian drum) and few big military hand drum sturdily no matter where they are, it’s incredible India. Mostly in Indian weddings a wedding singer is also arranged who is the best example of the people who think they can do all the job of the day in couple of hours. I mean they don’t have any singing talent or so but all they do is sing the limited number of bollywood songs that they mugged up. Though the main concern of them is not singing, as they are can do voice of both male and female, yea right! they also sing songs by female artists by making a painful ear bleeding high pitch voice. Although wherever you go in North India. They always sing these limited number of songs for sure whithout it no wedding can be finished. Songs like “Naagin, the snake song”, Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai”, “Kudi Punjaban dil chura ke”, “Kajra re” “Munni Badnaam Hui” etc in the as high volume as they can arrange.

Here are a couple of clips of Indian wedding dances that you may like to enjoy. 😀

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=327098337416818&set=vb.188365381302107&type=2&theater http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcstt9Ry8i8